An Unassertive Proposal

There is a terrible plague which infects nearly every area of America. It can strike at any time, usually without warning. Immediate symptoms include increased blood pressure, anxiety, and on occasion, even nausea. The effects are immediate, and the lingering complications can last for years.

In a recent study, it was found that this pestilence can inflict more than 226 million people in America, usually those ages 16 and older.

The first signs of this infliction are flashing red and blue lights, generally noticed in the rearview mirror of a moving vehicle. This is followed by the person’s eyes being drawn to an instrument on their dashboard which indicates a number. Almost always, the person immediately begins to utter words of a crass nature.

While several options have been proposed to prevent such a tragedy, it is not enough. It is at this point that the United States government must come to the aid of its citizens. With all the advances in modern technology, there is certainly an effective preventative method which should be available to all those at risk, regardless of income level, age, or any other factor which can be used to classify people. An archaic term for such a device is “radar detector,” though there is surely a more sophisticated term. Perhaps we can draw upon Latin and call it, “Periculum^2.”

Opponents may argue that perhaps people should merely keep the speed of their vehicles below a certain level. This is unrealistic--no, this is a simpleminded approach. Everyone speeds.

It is clear that a device is needed to prevent unwanted tickets and possible long-lasting effects like higher insurance rates and even jail time.

The time to act is now. Contact your congressperson to have them put this into law. If enough of the population push for such a measure, the opponents’ arguments will soon become irrelevant, perhaps even mocked.

While speaking with the government official, ask that an addendum be added to allow free birth control to all high school students.