Change my name?

There’s a commercial playing on the radio right now where a woman’s voice says, (and I’m paraphrasing so I don’t get sued), “I just got engaged! I’m so happy! I wonder if I should change my name?”

I’m sure if I did massive amounts of research, I could list the social reasons some women in some cultures change their last names to match their husband’s, but that wouldn’t be my point of this blog.

I, personally, am a huge fan of marriage. I’ve known people who have had marriages end in less than pleasant experiences. It breaks my heart. After all, when you get married to someone, there is a huge amount of trust required. If a marriage ends, for any number of reasons, I’m sure there is a pretty powerful feeling of betrayal.

It may be oversimplifying things when I state that in order for a marriage to work, both people involved have to be 100% committed. That means a lot of compromise. Sometimes people see some of the compromises as surrendering their freedom, or giving up things they don’t want to part with. I get that. But I also think that what is gained from a successful marriage significantly outweighs any perceived losses.

As I stated before, it takes two people to make it work. I’ve seen friends that try and try and try to keep a marriage alive, but the other person, by either action or inaction, make that impossible.

When I worked in banking, I often helped couples who had just gotten married with their accounts. On many occasions, the couple stated they wanted three checking accounts: a joint one, and personal ones for their use only—you know, to keep the money they earned away from their new spouse. I would have to bite my tongue because I didn’t (and don’t) agree with that thinking.

Sometimes marriage is called “becoming one” or you’ll hear a person refer to their spouse as “their better half.” That’s important. Successful marriages are when two people work hard toward a common goal. I’m not suggesting that they have to agree on everything, or even like every little thing the other person does.

I’m sure there are those that will disagree with me, but I think a woman should change her last name when she gets married. Sharing the same last name is a symbolic gesture—that the couple is in this together. It helps with the mindset of “Okay, I’m willing to give up part of me to be committed to the marriage.”

Now, the name change may seem sexist, but I think a husband should actually give up at least as much as their wife, and probably more. He needs to be open with his feelings. He needs to let her have complete access to all the finances—made by both people. He needs to be willing to give up a chance to watch a ballgame to instead spend time with his wife. He needs to find out what is important to her and do all he can to make sure she’s happy—just as she does all she can to make him happy. To be clear, these sacrifices and compromises are only of value when they help the couple grow together.

I read a book where a husband and wife got married. She didn’t change her last name. They had triplets. They gave two of their kids his last name, and one of the triplets her last name. He agreed to do this to “make her happy.” But, in my opinion, it’s only going to cause a division—not only that, but a lot of confusion for the children later on in their lives. So, was that a compromise truly meant to bring the family closer together?

Why should you listen to anything I’ve written here? Well, I’ve had some experience in this field. I’ve been married for over 21 years. It’s not always been easy, and there were certainly growing pains, but it’s been worth it.

The new normal?

Warning! This post may offend some people!

A few years ago, I was living in Connecticut. A certain man of the LDS (Mormon) faith was making a run at the White House. A liberal paper in Connecticut ran a scathing article about this man—about how his LDS beliefs were weird and out of touch with the common person in America.

They even provided proof: a copy of a declaration published by the LDS church that was so absurd that any reasonable human being could see how it posed a threat to common sense.

That document? The Family:A Proclamation to the World.

In this document, it stated clearly that the LDS church believed “that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God” and “mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”

How dare they be so bold!

Never mind the parts that say, “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” or “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.”

The LDS church should be ashamed because it had made a stand about what it believed—and how close minded of them to think differently than others.

And then, in 2012, a TV show premiered on the NBC network called “The New Normal.” What is it about? Here are some quotes from the NBC website about the show: “It’s 2012 and anything goes” and “Bryan and David are a Los Angeles couple, and they have it all. Well, almost. With successful careers and a committed, loving partnership, there is one thing that this couple is missing: a baby.” What do Bryan and David do? They hire a woman to have their baby.

And this is clearly “the new normal.” Therefore, if you aren’t like them, you’re abnormal, right?

The creators of the show should be applauded being brave enough to state their beliefs—right? How open minded they must be to think differently than others—right?

How young is too young to get married?

In the movie "The Princess Bride" (which, by the way, was a major inspiration for my book The Hidden Sun) there is a great scene where Buttercup and Prince Humperdinck are to be married. The "Impressive Clergyman" that performs the ceremony has one of the many memorable lines in the movie. It can be viewed below:Often my blogs are inspired by something I've seen or experienced which then leads my mind to ponder on the subject. For this blog, it came from a picture from a recent trip to a certain fast food restaurant.
The part that got my attention was the "3 - 12 years old can play. Parents too!" You could read this that if you were a parent between the ages of 3 and 12, you are allowed to play in the play area as well.
Granted, I do not know of any parents that are under the age of 12. However, my wife and I did get married at what many consider to be a very young age. I was 22, she was 19. In the part of the country where I grew up, this wasn't all that unusual. However, when I moved to Connecticut, I discovered how truly rare that was.
There were people that insisted that it would never work out between my wife and I. I'm happy to say that 19 years later, we are still going strong--but it wasn't by fate or dumb luck. It's taken a lot of hard work.
For five years we tried to have kids, but to no avail. Then our sweet Kelley came along and we were delighted! 18 months later, beautiful Emily joined our family. Another 18 months after that, and our darling redhead Amy came along, and now my wife and I were outnumbered. At times, it felt like we had triplets. It took 3 more years before our creative, silly Stephanie completed our family.
Stephanie just turned 8. It's almost hard to believe. But as my wife and I talk (which we do often) we've realized something. The only way our marriage has survived for this long is because both of us are dedicated to it 100%. In addition, we are always communicating about our dreams, goals, concerns and such. If there is something bothering one of us, the other is there to support and help them.
Now, this isn't to say that I believe all marriages will work out. As I stated above, I believe both people have to be 100% dedicated to the happiness of the other person. A successful marriage can't be held together by one person.
Also, I don't believe that everyone will find their spouse in their early twenties. And if it is later in life that you find your spouse, that doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you. Some things are worth the wait.
I, personally, have been blessed with a wonderful wife who forgives me of my shortcomings. She makes me want to be a better person. At the same time, I want to her be happy, which means I can't be selfish, and I must give up some of my freedom to do so. However, the rewards for doing so totally outweigh any perceived freedom I've surrendered.