Double your money back

My wife and I often watch a TV show to wind down the night. Usually we have the shows on DVR so we zip through the commercials, but sometimes we watch them "in real time". Other times we'll mute the TV and make up our own narration to what is on the screen. Or we'll just talk, waiting for the commercials to end.

One night, we had it muted and were talking when a commercial for toilet paper came on. At the end, it offered a "double your money back guarantee". Since we didn't have the sound on, I didn't hear what the conditions were, but it really struck me as funny. Like, laughing so hard tears came to my eyes. (My wife, being the more mature of the two if us, just rolled her eyes at me).

Think about it: what are you going to have to say or do to prove you aren't happy with toilet paper?

So, for curiosity sake, I decided to look up some products that offered a "double your money back" deal, and what conditions must be met.

These are 100% real. I'm not including the product names so I don't get sued. My comments are below in BOLD.

"Just use our products for a year. If you don't see any reactions in that time, just contact us for help. Sometimes a little social training is all you need for success. If you still don't see any reactions after getting help, send the empty bottles back with a note detailing what happened at least 7 times you used them, and we'll give you double your money back."

Wow! If the product doesn't work after a year, they'll give me social training? How could anyone say no to that! And don't get me started on the 7 detailed notes. . .

"30 Day Double Your Money Back Guarantee. That's obviously a very bold statement. We can make this guarantee because of the faith we have in (our product). (Then the small print): The Guarantee does not guarantee any user will profit as we have no way of knowing if you will follow (our) rules."

So basically, they have faith in their product, but they don't promise you'll actually gain anything from it because you may be doing it wrong. Heck, that statement doesn’t sound so bold anymore, does it?

"If, within 7 days of the date of our report, you provide proof that with the same type of search, and using the same information you gave us to process your order, more current, more complete or more accurate information was obtained legally through any other similar service advertised on the Internet, we will promptly refund double what you paid us."

I love this one. So, you pay them to do a search for you. And in order to prove they didn't do a good job, you have to pay someone else to do the same job and hope they find better results. AND you only have 7 days to do it.

"We are so confident that (our product) will solve your odor problems that we can offer an unconditional 30-Day Double Your Money Back Guarantee. No other odor remover has a guarantee this strong.

If you're less than satisfied with (our product) contact us within 30 days of purchase by calling toll-free 800-XXX-XXXX. We'll work with you to make sure that the product is applied in the best way to eliminate your particular odor problems."

Ah, again. One of those products where if it doesn't work, it's because you, the consumer, are doing it wrong.

"In the rare event of a product failure. You will need to supply (us) with the following:

Original dated store receipt

Product packaging--This means keeping ALL packaging (empty bottles, box, cardboard, etc.) along with your original receipt.

Official proof of failure

Request must be postmarked within 30 days of results. Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing.

Failure to supply all required components & documents will void your eligibility to the 200% double money back guarantee."

Notice that they don't really state what they mean by "official proof of failure". I'm surprised they didn’t also demand a note from your mother.

After reading all these, I'm inspired to offer a double your money back guarantee on any of my books. It goes as follows:

"If, after reading (insert the name of the book) you less than satisfied with it, I'll give you double your money back."

Fine print: You must read the book at least 7 times. If you don't get it, have someone read it to you at least twice. If still less than satisfied, buy 15 more books from other authors that are more satisfying.

Send the following items to me in order to get double your money back: the original receipt (must be notarized), a list of the 15 books you bought with letters from all of their authors explaining why their books were more satisfying, video proof you actually read the book 7 times, score at least a 98.5% or better on a online quiz found on my website proving you read the book, and lastly, send me the book (must be in near mint condition!) so I can sell it to someone else. Allow 4 to 6 decades for processing.