You Shouldn’t Feel That Way

To me, some of the most ignorant, and potentially harmful, words are when one person says to another, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

Oh, I believe the intentions may be pure, or even innocent, when someone says that. For example, a father may see that his daughter is throwing a temper tantrum. When he gets her to tell him what is the matter, it turns out that her favorite breakfast cereal is no longer being produced.

To the father, breakfast cereal may seem like a trivial matter—certainly nothing worth getting upset about. So, in trying to help his daughter, he says, “I’m sorry they are no longer making the cereal. But that’s not worth getting upset. You shouldn’t feel that way.”

You may be thinking, “I’m with the father on this one. He needs to teach his daughter not to throw a tantrum.”

If that’s your thought process, I don’t disagree. Tantrums aren’t good. But that’s not the point. You see, I categorize feelings and actions as two separate things—though they can be related.

In the case with the cereal, the father wants to teach his daughter not to throw tantrums. Logically, her tantrum is caused by her emotional reaction to something. Therefore, if he can change how she feels, then she won’t throw the tantrum.

That’s not a bad idea. However, it’s been my experience that humans don’t work that way. Based on our belief systems, our life events, our upbringing, and various other factors, we will have emotional reactions to things, and not always understand why.

Personally, I get rather upset when someone doubts my sincerity. I had a boss who questioned everything I did—and it nearly drove me nuts. However, just because I get upset doesn’t mean I then have a valid reason to throw a tantrum.

This is one of my favorite sayings: I can’t control how I will emotionally react to something, but I can control how I act on those feelings.

Based on this concept, when you tell someone, “You shouldn’t feel that way” what you are really doing is questioning him or her as a person and who he or she is. In other words, who are you to tell someone else how he or she should feel? You aren’t them. You haven’t experienced what they have experienced. How can you know what makes them tick when they may not be sure themselves?

Back to the story of the father and the daughter, a better way for the father to react is to address the daughter’s actions as being inappropriate. He should help teach her that she chooses how she acts—and that it is possible to not act on your feelings.

In addition, he can talk with her about why she felt that way about the cereal, without being judgmental about her feelings. He can work with her to understand her feelings so she can mature. In time, she may grow to understand what makes her feel certain ways, and what she can do to address her feelings on her terms.

Next time you feel like telling someone, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” think to yourself, “Why do I feel that he or she shouldn’t feel that way?”

A x E = R (Huh?)

The end. The bottom line. The conclusion. The outcome. The result. No matter how it is stated, when it comes to judging if something is successful, we tend to look at the result. What was the final scored of the game? How much money was made last month? What grades did you get on your report card? How much weight did you lose? Everywhere you look, people are focusing on the result.

In one of my previous jobs, we were taught the principle of “A x E = R”. At first glance, it may look like it a reference to someone who cuts down trees. What it means is “Actions (times) Effectiveness (equals) Results”—something I fully believe in.

After all, how do we get results? By doing something and doing it at some level of effectiveness. For example, let’s look at weight loss. I think if you talk to anyone who has lost a significant amount of weight, they will tell you what they did to lose it. Maybe they started exercising thirty minutes a day. Maybe they cut out all sugars from their diet. Maybe they did a combo of both. The point is they did something.

But just doing something isn’t enough. It has to be effective. I could say, “From now on, I’m going only drink water with my meals—and I expect to lose twenty five pounds in a month’s time.” Clearly I’m doing something, but I doubt it will be effective enough to get the results I want.

All of this may seem like common sense, and frankly, that’s because it is. So why do I bring it up? Because I think that too often people look at the formula backwards.

Let me demonstrate with the weight loss example. If I were to say, “I’m going to lose five pounds this week”, and then every three hours I weighed myself, I’m spending too much time on the results and not on the actions that will bring those results.

The main focus should be on the action and their effectiveness. The results should be used as a measuring guide for how you are doing with your effective actions.

I honestly believe looking at it this way is rather encouraging. Why? Because you can control your actions. You have the power to eat that extra doughnut or not. You have the power to study that extra hour for that test. You have the power to speak to every potential customer about your product.

Too often, I would get calls from by boss asking me, “What are your commitments for the day?” These “commitments” he wanted were in the form of results. Let me state this loud and clear: I do not believe you can commit to results. You can commit to actions—on things you can control.

If you do that, the results will come.